Snow I love and hate. It is so beautifully deceptive. It covers the ugly barrenness with a blanket of white, looks so perfectly pure in its never touched state. But appearances can be deceiving. To walk in snow requires caution for slippage. It is slippery and unstable as a foothold.
My life is ugly like the barren trees sometimes, but it is still stable underfoot in soul. A beautiful life is sometimes not all it seems either, whether it is filled with money and things or just everyday busyness it may still be a slippery and unstable existence. Sometimes I want to trade my life for another, but then I see the snow and think about it, and I decide my life is not so bad after all. I have God and family who love me.... and right now, I also have an expectation of coffee. Life always looks better with a cup of coffee in hand.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Christmas - A Valuable Reason to Work at It
Old events remembered often bring up negative emotions for me, so I am going to write about only good thoughts today.
Christmas is coming. It is a good thing in our house, but overloading too. This year I hear my Mom say "fifty family". They all come for Christmas Eve dinner. A special meal and prayer it is to celebrate respectfully the birth of Christ; and too, to remember our loved ones who are no longer this side with us. I love the occasion as a gathering of love and traditions old, but it is not an easy day for me - sights and sounds abound, touching all about, intentional and nonintentional, movement required to join and avoid others actions, waiting incessant, emotions to be absorbed and processed, communications to be translated, smells to be endured. It is not just a nice gathering for me. It is exhausting work, only made valuable by the reason for the day.
Christ camer into the world so simply. Let the meaning of that speak for itself.
Christmas is coming. It is a good thing in our house, but overloading too. This year I hear my Mom say "fifty family". They all come for Christmas Eve dinner. A special meal and prayer it is to celebrate respectfully the birth of Christ; and too, to remember our loved ones who are no longer this side with us. I love the occasion as a gathering of love and traditions old, but it is not an easy day for me - sights and sounds abound, touching all about, intentional and nonintentional, movement required to join and avoid others actions, waiting incessant, emotions to be absorbed and processed, communications to be translated, smells to be endured. It is not just a nice gathering for me. It is exhausting work, only made valuable by the reason for the day.
Christ camer into the world so simply. Let the meaning of that speak for itself.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Acceptance Is Never Too Late
Today I asked my Mom if I should question her judgment in telling me I am "magnificent." It has not always been her message. I guess autism is a process of growth for both parent and child. Just as I had to grow into my personhood, she had to grow into her parenthood.
The child who starts with acceptance is extremely lucky. More often I think it starts with parents like mine. I know they love me now, but they were more the enemy back then. I only wanted to escape the onslaught of the world back then, too much it was. If I had been surrounded by peace instead of turmoil the world may not have been such a scary place for me.
My Mom is a "do it" person. Patience she needs to work on. In some ways this was good. I could do in motor for her what I could not do for myself or others. It caused her to believe in me when I did not. It also caused me to hate her.
Anger was my motivation for a long time; to not become a puppet. I understand compliance as important, but it also teaches lessons better left unlearned. It makes you afraid to initiate beyond what is asked of you. Fear of failure is a compliance creation in part; to sit and be released on positive responses only is what does it. Lessons in autism frequently transfer by association. Positive reinforcement as a word but not practice, negative reinforcement that only serves to heighten an anxiety that already screams for relief - this was my invitation to the world.
Take a child whose senses have already deserted them and expect them to learn in this environment; this is your ABA, the real lessons you are sometimes oblivious to. It is why I say learn your child. To pay attention to their discomfiture is a gift you give yourself. It saves them and you from having to walk each alone through the process of growth. A path shared is a positive journey for both parent and child.
Mom and I crossed paths more often than we shared them. We became a team much later, but the damage remains in emotional memory response for me. To write sometimes revisits it.
Knowing I am "magnificent" in her eyes now, not because of anything of I've done, but simply because I am helps a lot. Acceptance is important. It can never come too late.
The child who starts with acceptance is extremely lucky. More often I think it starts with parents like mine. I know they love me now, but they were more the enemy back then. I only wanted to escape the onslaught of the world back then, too much it was. If I had been surrounded by peace instead of turmoil the world may not have been such a scary place for me.
My Mom is a "do it" person. Patience she needs to work on. In some ways this was good. I could do in motor for her what I could not do for myself or others. It caused her to believe in me when I did not. It also caused me to hate her.
Anger was my motivation for a long time; to not become a puppet. I understand compliance as important, but it also teaches lessons better left unlearned. It makes you afraid to initiate beyond what is asked of you. Fear of failure is a compliance creation in part; to sit and be released on positive responses only is what does it. Lessons in autism frequently transfer by association. Positive reinforcement as a word but not practice, negative reinforcement that only serves to heighten an anxiety that already screams for relief - this was my invitation to the world.
Take a child whose senses have already deserted them and expect them to learn in this environment; this is your ABA, the real lessons you are sometimes oblivious to. It is why I say learn your child. To pay attention to their discomfiture is a gift you give yourself. It saves them and you from having to walk each alone through the process of growth. A path shared is a positive journey for both parent and child.
Mom and I crossed paths more often than we shared them. We became a team much later, but the damage remains in emotional memory response for me. To write sometimes revisits it.
Knowing I am "magnificent" in her eyes now, not because of anything of I've done, but simply because I am helps a lot. Acceptance is important. It can never come too late.
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