Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Fortunate Events (Coincidences)
I want to talk about fortunate events. I heard Mom say this morning "everything for a reason" - It is a truth. Hawkings is coming out with a book. It defies the need for belief in God. Universal rules explain the universe's creation he says. It explains nothing. God explains alone. Universal rules, it is the proof of God, not the reverse. Everything is ordered, even amid the chaos' exterior. The clouds that leash the rain yield tomorrow's crops and move seasons along in time. It is all interconnected, like life's blood flows through the veins. Nothing is to chance. Nothing. It is not a matter of forming our own destiny. It is about embracing lessons of life, finding the love act in each circumstance and acknowledging it for what it is. The starlight requires a darkened sky to be seen. Only the sun can be seen in the light of day; causes the light of day. So it is with love. The most intense lights like the sun. The lesser love actions shine amid the darkness. You can seek to shine like the sun, but most of us are tiny star lights at best. Only the stars still revolve around the universal core. It is God's love at the core.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Facilitated Communication - Understanding the FC Dilemma
At start, I want to emphasize that mine is just one experience, which may or may not overlap others'. The psychological especially, is unique to each of us, but seeing my thought process may enlighten some to possibilities previously unconsidered.
I started facilitating under duress. FC is not something I would have volunteered for. I think it is an important point. FC will not be openly received by all. Sometimes an answer is not obvious at first sight or the problem is seen from a different perspective that escape other's reason. My perspective was conceived of rational thought as applied to interpreting false sensory input. As autists our data base differs from neurotypicals, even too other autists. Behavior that looks nonsensical may be perfectly reasonable when seen in context of another's data base reality.
I had no sensory awareness of my physical form. My identity was tied to thought. I believed expressing my thought would result in a lessening of self; the physical equivalent of cutting off a limb or draining off life's energy flow. When forced to FC I was so angry I shared the thought, telling Mom "Go to Hell". An Epiphany followed from the experience - I was still me. Sometimes it pays to have something stronger than the autism to grapple with. For me, that is my Mom. She is an irresistible force.
Mom just asked me if I know "What happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object?" The answer is transformation. I have engaged in a lot of transformation these past few years, both forced and voluntary. Forced is just that. It may be necessary, but it is forced nonetheless. And forced breeds anger and animosity. It comes at cost and leaves its scars. Understanding this is the best deterrent to useless force. I understand sometimes it is the only way, but most times it is not.
I learned to type using spelling words not shared thought. Sometimes a slight adjustment in approach reaps huge rewards, both mentally and physically. Voluntary cooperation may be harder won, but it is worth the added time and effort to develop it. ABA is the biggest lie that way. Because they pretend work is play and rewarded, that work is cooperation. It is not. We sit and respond like puppets to directions of the puppet master. We are not free willed participants. We are not free to get up and walk away, or say "No,this is a dumb activity". It is a false perception they convey in suggesting it is a cooperative process and child cooperation is the outcome. We are slaves. You can put whatever picture face you want on us, but we are slaves in it and we know it.
FC was the first opportunity I had to say "no" and mean it, to express my rage at the injustices done me. I tell you this because the parent expecting to hear "I love you" may not. My first words to Mary Lapos were "I am smart" and "do you understand our love of God?". That is the importance of true communication. It is the communicator's choice of what is important to them. We need our facilitators to blank out, like a clean sheet of paper absent expectation of what scrawl will unfold on it. Relaxing is key; to give up your control to us as conductor in the music of words.
To fight my fears, my body, and your thoughts is too much all at once for me. Each presents as its own obstacle. The value of the spelling words for me was that it isolated the battle to my body alone at first. Subtle communications in answer to "Do you need a break?" or "Is there something you need?" slipped in after. It was need based communication, not emotion shared based communication that was most successful with me at first. It was a palatable start for someone who feared sharing his thoughts and did not understand or have control of his emotions.
For some, FC is freeing. For others it is tremendous work. For still others it breeds tremendous responsibility in trusting in God's plan and men's open hearts. I trust God's plan, but fear men's hearts. It is partly why I started with this goal rather than another.
You approach us like trust is an expected thing, but it is not. Trusting another's movement, motive and memory are each a separate issue we face outside our own. Sometimes you are our first hurdle. Recognizing it, acknowledging it, sets the tone for truthful exchange. Whether you do so by thought or word, it makes no difference. We hear you in your thoughts and actions. Keep them compatible. Your words and actions combined are the greatest reflection of truth. Truth that speaks of honest interest to help yields willingness to venture outside our comfort. It is the first step in FC, stepping beyond our comfort.
I started facilitating under duress. FC is not something I would have volunteered for. I think it is an important point. FC will not be openly received by all. Sometimes an answer is not obvious at first sight or the problem is seen from a different perspective that escape other's reason. My perspective was conceived of rational thought as applied to interpreting false sensory input. As autists our data base differs from neurotypicals, even too other autists. Behavior that looks nonsensical may be perfectly reasonable when seen in context of another's data base reality.
I had no sensory awareness of my physical form. My identity was tied to thought. I believed expressing my thought would result in a lessening of self; the physical equivalent of cutting off a limb or draining off life's energy flow. When forced to FC I was so angry I shared the thought, telling Mom "Go to Hell". An Epiphany followed from the experience - I was still me. Sometimes it pays to have something stronger than the autism to grapple with. For me, that is my Mom. She is an irresistible force.
Mom just asked me if I know "What happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object?" The answer is transformation. I have engaged in a lot of transformation these past few years, both forced and voluntary. Forced is just that. It may be necessary, but it is forced nonetheless. And forced breeds anger and animosity. It comes at cost and leaves its scars. Understanding this is the best deterrent to useless force. I understand sometimes it is the only way, but most times it is not.
I learned to type using spelling words not shared thought. Sometimes a slight adjustment in approach reaps huge rewards, both mentally and physically. Voluntary cooperation may be harder won, but it is worth the added time and effort to develop it. ABA is the biggest lie that way. Because they pretend work is play and rewarded, that work is cooperation. It is not. We sit and respond like puppets to directions of the puppet master. We are not free willed participants. We are not free to get up and walk away, or say "No,this is a dumb activity". It is a false perception they convey in suggesting it is a cooperative process and child cooperation is the outcome. We are slaves. You can put whatever picture face you want on us, but we are slaves in it and we know it.
FC was the first opportunity I had to say "no" and mean it, to express my rage at the injustices done me. I tell you this because the parent expecting to hear "I love you" may not. My first words to Mary Lapos were "I am smart" and "do you understand our love of God?". That is the importance of true communication. It is the communicator's choice of what is important to them. We need our facilitators to blank out, like a clean sheet of paper absent expectation of what scrawl will unfold on it. Relaxing is key; to give up your control to us as conductor in the music of words.
To fight my fears, my body, and your thoughts is too much all at once for me. Each presents as its own obstacle. The value of the spelling words for me was that it isolated the battle to my body alone at first. Subtle communications in answer to "Do you need a break?" or "Is there something you need?" slipped in after. It was need based communication, not emotion shared based communication that was most successful with me at first. It was a palatable start for someone who feared sharing his thoughts and did not understand or have control of his emotions.
For some, FC is freeing. For others it is tremendous work. For still others it breeds tremendous responsibility in trusting in God's plan and men's open hearts. I trust God's plan, but fear men's hearts. It is partly why I started with this goal rather than another.
You approach us like trust is an expected thing, but it is not. Trusting another's movement, motive and memory are each a separate issue we face outside our own. Sometimes you are our first hurdle. Recognizing it, acknowledging it, sets the tone for truthful exchange. Whether you do so by thought or word, it makes no difference. We hear you in your thoughts and actions. Keep them compatible. Your words and actions combined are the greatest reflection of truth. Truth that speaks of honest interest to help yields willingness to venture outside our comfort. It is the first step in FC, stepping beyond our comfort.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Temporarily Untitled
Telling about a life takes time. I hope my readers have the patience and interest in it.
I want to start with facilitated communication because it is the conduit that enabled me to not just share my thoughts, but find them. You don't need to formulate thought from emotion absent the need to share it. So much of my beginning communication is raging because it is what I felt at the time, anger at the injustice you call therapy, anger at myself for my inadequacies, anger at my parents for their lack of understanding and sympathy. Like a human experiment I was in ABA directed therapy, torture in my words. Absent an understanding of their directions I fought and sabatoged their efforts to control me. My lack of control was my control.
Facilitated Communication is a form of control for the disabled. It serves to remind our caretakers and ourselves of our humanity. Seeing myself as a rage is what helped me change directon. Seeing my Mom cry at my words showed me my impact. Seeing Bill Stillman gave me another path of opportunity. He showed me a better way. He took his pain and turned it into something positive for other's benefit. Bill saved my life.
But, seeing the end goal and getting there are two different things. For me, Facilitated Communication (FC) is the means to Bill's end. FC needs to be developed as a technical skill and I can help with that in defining my path to independent typing. I have overcome so many hurdles both psychological and physical. I still have a few more too, even at my stage of independence. The psychological are best approached as ignorance and epiphany, realizations on the part of the autist born of positive experience. The physical are best addressed by sensory aware occupational therapists.
Tina,I would love your input and comment additions for training suggestions. To those of you who FC, your individual experiences are invaluable. My thought is that someone could take and consolidate the information as a guide later to helping others progress in the process.
I will start to think and compose tomorrow. Guest entries are most welcome, less work for me (smiles).
Mike
I want to start with facilitated communication because it is the conduit that enabled me to not just share my thoughts, but find them. You don't need to formulate thought from emotion absent the need to share it. So much of my beginning communication is raging because it is what I felt at the time, anger at the injustice you call therapy, anger at myself for my inadequacies, anger at my parents for their lack of understanding and sympathy. Like a human experiment I was in ABA directed therapy, torture in my words. Absent an understanding of their directions I fought and sabatoged their efforts to control me. My lack of control was my control.
Facilitated Communication is a form of control for the disabled. It serves to remind our caretakers and ourselves of our humanity. Seeing myself as a rage is what helped me change directon. Seeing my Mom cry at my words showed me my impact. Seeing Bill Stillman gave me another path of opportunity. He showed me a better way. He took his pain and turned it into something positive for other's benefit. Bill saved my life.
But, seeing the end goal and getting there are two different things. For me, Facilitated Communication (FC) is the means to Bill's end. FC needs to be developed as a technical skill and I can help with that in defining my path to independent typing. I have overcome so many hurdles both psychological and physical. I still have a few more too, even at my stage of independence. The psychological are best approached as ignorance and epiphany, realizations on the part of the autist born of positive experience. The physical are best addressed by sensory aware occupational therapists.
Tina,I would love your input and comment additions for training suggestions. To those of you who FC, your individual experiences are invaluable. My thought is that someone could take and consolidate the information as a guide later to helping others progress in the process.
I will start to think and compose tomorrow. Guest entries are most welcome, less work for me (smiles).
Mike
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Silence Speaks
I have been on vacation from work. It is only fitting after 20 years of therapy that I finally had a break. Mom says it is time to rejoin the effort on behalf of the silent.
Silence is akin to death as communication goes. To be without a voice is to objectify oneself. We lose our humanity, become pieces of furniture to be moved about, dolls to be played with, puppets to our caretakers. The soul is trapped like life in a seed, waiting for its nutrients and release. Are you the sun and water and earth to your child or desert sand? Putting humanity first is the first priority in treatment.
Silence is not an excuse to forget our humanity. Even silence speaks. It lends direction to the breeze. Can you hear it? No. But you can feel it. So it is with us. Like the flower, we lean into the light. Our actions point the way. Start by listening through all your senses and you will hear us speak, even in our silence.
Silence is akin to death as communication goes. To be without a voice is to objectify oneself. We lose our humanity, become pieces of furniture to be moved about, dolls to be played with, puppets to our caretakers. The soul is trapped like life in a seed, waiting for its nutrients and release. Are you the sun and water and earth to your child or desert sand? Putting humanity first is the first priority in treatment.
Silence is not an excuse to forget our humanity. Even silence speaks. It lends direction to the breeze. Can you hear it? No. But you can feel it. So it is with us. Like the flower, we lean into the light. Our actions point the way. Start by listening through all your senses and you will hear us speak, even in our silence.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Facilitation: Water & Oxygen, Essentials of Life
I am going to start an FC discussion that is long overdue. It has other implications as well, but those I will leave alone for time being. Those who suffer motoric issues often, if not always, have issue with body boundary. I will defer to the OT’s for the formal explanation, but the effect is to leave us as a shape shifter, feeling bonded to all that is touched.
Human souls are composed of pieces, not unlike electrons to the atom. We are comprised of emotional energy encapsulated in a physical shell. And just as atoms can bond, it is possible too for humans to bond, to share a charge and create - facilitated communication.
Just as a molecule of water differs from the atoms of hydrogen and oxygen it is composed of, so too it is with some facilitation bonds. In becoming a water molecule the joining of the two elements locks the oxygen off from experiencing its own true nature as an element. What is created is not the expression of an individual’s sole thoughts. At its most primitive/dependent the facilitatee is held captive to the world of the Facilitator, his knowledge and thought boundaries.
To bond is not a sin. To stay bonded is. The end goal of all facilitation should be to free the communicator/facilitatee to experience his sole self as a communication.
Developing individual consciousness is key. Individual consciousness is assumed for neurotypicals, but for the bonded soul development of the self boundary is very much an issue of skill development.
How does one develop individual consciousness? Individual consciousness is most easily developed through body awareness. As a young child my OT used something called sensory diet, a brushing of my body, to wake it up. It was like putting on a cold suit. It only lasted for a short time, never long enough to for me learn from. For me, the answer lie in water. The pool was a birthing for me. To immerse myself was to be born as a form, at once overwhelming in realization. I know only my own experience. For others, something else may work better, or faster. Swim is a long process. Form escapes you in your dry state. It took many dunkings before I carried me out of the pool; at first, for just a few minutes at a time, then intermittently on chance my sense of form would appear for brief period then be lost again. Eventually, I learned to create the feeling of self. In my bed at night I could produce my body by concentrating on it. At first, I was just a floating head, but slowly my other parts materialized in feeling. Now I am always aware of my body, but it is like living in a brick. I drag it around rather than flow in ease. Only in water is my movement registered as smooth. There it feeds back to me in answer. But, I continue to improve. It is the most important thing I can say.
Independent choice, as an assertion of self helped me too. Permitted choices are a wonderful tool .... and the ability to say no. Too often we are handled not interacted with, treated as the objects we feel like.
In facilitation, we choose our captors and hopefully they choose to free us. Water is essential to life, but oxygen is best breathed.
.
Human souls are composed of pieces, not unlike electrons to the atom. We are comprised of emotional energy encapsulated in a physical shell. And just as atoms can bond, it is possible too for humans to bond, to share a charge and create - facilitated communication.
Just as a molecule of water differs from the atoms of hydrogen and oxygen it is composed of, so too it is with some facilitation bonds. In becoming a water molecule the joining of the two elements locks the oxygen off from experiencing its own true nature as an element. What is created is not the expression of an individual’s sole thoughts. At its most primitive/dependent the facilitatee is held captive to the world of the Facilitator, his knowledge and thought boundaries.
To bond is not a sin. To stay bonded is. The end goal of all facilitation should be to free the communicator/facilitatee to experience his sole self as a communication.
Developing individual consciousness is key. Individual consciousness is assumed for neurotypicals, but for the bonded soul development of the self boundary is very much an issue of skill development.
How does one develop individual consciousness? Individual consciousness is most easily developed through body awareness. As a young child my OT used something called sensory diet, a brushing of my body, to wake it up. It was like putting on a cold suit. It only lasted for a short time, never long enough to for me learn from. For me, the answer lie in water. The pool was a birthing for me. To immerse myself was to be born as a form, at once overwhelming in realization. I know only my own experience. For others, something else may work better, or faster. Swim is a long process. Form escapes you in your dry state. It took many dunkings before I carried me out of the pool; at first, for just a few minutes at a time, then intermittently on chance my sense of form would appear for brief period then be lost again. Eventually, I learned to create the feeling of self. In my bed at night I could produce my body by concentrating on it. At first, I was just a floating head, but slowly my other parts materialized in feeling. Now I am always aware of my body, but it is like living in a brick. I drag it around rather than flow in ease. Only in water is my movement registered as smooth. There it feeds back to me in answer. But, I continue to improve. It is the most important thing I can say.
Independent choice, as an assertion of self helped me too. Permitted choices are a wonderful tool .... and the ability to say no. Too often we are handled not interacted with, treated as the objects we feel like.
In facilitation, we choose our captors and hopefully they choose to free us. Water is essential to life, but oxygen is best breathed.
.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Last Blog Before Graduation
I am pondering the cyclic nature of things today. It is my high school graduaton this coming week, an endpoint of achievement I once thought impossible to meet. It is an end, but also a beginning, one that has no direction planned. What does a motor handicapped autist do with his life?
There is a song, "Don't Blink". It is a country song I listened to yesterday, and it tells the advice of a 102 year old man about how quickly life passes. Life is its own journey and we are just passengers on the ride, a predetermined route mapped out by us in another form of consciousness. I sometimes wish the element of surprise was not a soul expanding necessity. I wonder what I've planned for myself, what joys and disappointments. I stand on the abyss that is the unknown of life and my only choice is to jump. I pray for soft landing.
There is a song, "Don't Blink". It is a country song I listened to yesterday, and it tells the advice of a 102 year old man about how quickly life passes. Life is its own journey and we are just passengers on the ride, a predetermined route mapped out by us in another form of consciousness. I sometimes wish the element of surprise was not a soul expanding necessity. I wonder what I've planned for myself, what joys and disappointments. I stand on the abyss that is the unknown of life and my only choice is to jump. I pray for soft landing.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Chicken and Egg - It Is the Same
Tom Smitth writes:
So you say you're not totally independent yet? Te... So you say you're not totally independent yet? Tell me, how is one to learn independence using FC when even the communicators aren't supporting full support FC? First things first.
We have plenty of independent typers and that still hasn't done the trick. In fact full support FC was dropped by the FC community to support Crossley's FCT which is teaching independence. We got some independent typers but no FC.
I am capable of independence physical in typing, but I do not want to let go of my Mom's presence as an emotional support. Last week, Carol went to video and my ability evaporated when my fears of looking retarded in public were remembered.
To read you, you imply it is a process of acceptance one then the other. It is not. Like the chicken and egg it is - the life revealed proves the egg's content and which came first is really unimportant. Independence lends validity to all the steps preceding it including full support. But too, it is a growth process, one I am not sure all are encouraged to embark on. To see emphasis within FC placed solely on the process of support without inviting occupational therapists as copartners in it highlights this. FC can take many guises in practice if not theory. I do not undermine the value of anyone's efforts by trying to build skill understanding and practice for issues faced in typing.
Full support is both with value and dangers attached. A realistic perspective is necessary to growth in acceptance of FC. There is an understandable reason for the danger. For some, shared consciousness precedes individual consciousness. It is not something to be ashamed of, or something to be hidden, or denied. It is a necessary step in the process of growth for some and should be treated as such and assistance should be given in developing the self barrier. It is a learned skill like many other skills unseen by the neurotypical system.
To come together as one voice, is difficult but necessary and no one should be left behind. Mass progress is possible in both skill and attitude gains with shared knowledge and effort. OT is a means.
My last hurdle is one of self exposure. In doing this, I help myself as much as others. I am not equipped to do it alone, so I ask for help from others like me. But I am a start. And like chicken and egg, any start yields result.
Mike
So you say you're not totally independent yet? Te... So you say you're not totally independent yet? Tell me, how is one to learn independence using FC when even the communicators aren't supporting full support FC? First things first.
We have plenty of independent typers and that still hasn't done the trick. In fact full support FC was dropped by the FC community to support Crossley's FCT which is teaching independence. We got some independent typers but no FC.
I am capable of independence physical in typing, but I do not want to let go of my Mom's presence as an emotional support. Last week, Carol went to video and my ability evaporated when my fears of looking retarded in public were remembered.
To read you, you imply it is a process of acceptance one then the other. It is not. Like the chicken and egg it is - the life revealed proves the egg's content and which came first is really unimportant. Independence lends validity to all the steps preceding it including full support. But too, it is a growth process, one I am not sure all are encouraged to embark on. To see emphasis within FC placed solely on the process of support without inviting occupational therapists as copartners in it highlights this. FC can take many guises in practice if not theory. I do not undermine the value of anyone's efforts by trying to build skill understanding and practice for issues faced in typing.
Full support is both with value and dangers attached. A realistic perspective is necessary to growth in acceptance of FC. There is an understandable reason for the danger. For some, shared consciousness precedes individual consciousness. It is not something to be ashamed of, or something to be hidden, or denied. It is a necessary step in the process of growth for some and should be treated as such and assistance should be given in developing the self barrier. It is a learned skill like many other skills unseen by the neurotypical system.
To come together as one voice, is difficult but necessary and no one should be left behind. Mass progress is possible in both skill and attitude gains with shared knowledge and effort. OT is a means.
My last hurdle is one of self exposure. In doing this, I help myself as much as others. I am not equipped to do it alone, so I ask for help from others like me. But I am a start. And like chicken and egg, any start yields result.
Mike
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