I am forgetting to feel anxious all the time. The cues to my anxiety are lost amid the pleasure of being able to do certain things. Waiting used to trigger anxiety, but to wait with my brother Pat is to engage in an interaction, peer to peer. To lose my string used to cause anxiety, but to feel my body as a form negates the need for it. To work used to trigger anxiety, but my work is often of my choosing now and work like swim is not work at all! I used to be anxious to write but it matters to have something important to say.
For me anxiety is a constant state. It is engrained in my psyche. Like pathways in my mind it forms the roadways my actions travel on; too much blocks construction, too little is a road incomplete. It moves my body even as it limits movement. It is motivation to go and stop, sometimes both at the same time. Pleasure negates anxiety. It is only in the past few years that I have begun to experience pleasure. Play is work for the autist. Our pleasures are in idle things, e.g. water, and music and stim as an act of communing.
To speak of anxiety is to create it. To face it successfuly is to overcome it. Anxiety is a part of my personhood until other parts can be developed. It is friend and foe alike. It is me.
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