Self Injurious Behavior

     Self Injurious behavior, "Self Is Bad", I call it.  I know I'm not supposed to do it.  Sometimes the mind and body are a disconnect.It is not something you do to hurt yourself.  Sometimes it does not hurt at all in the physical sense.  Others, it is a conflicting pain you seek to override something else.  Sometimes it is a pressure valve release.  I smack my ear when overwhelmed with frustration.  Mom says  I am her body and I must not hurt it.  Sometimes thinking of myself as belonging to her helps me to approach my body with greater respect.  I know that may not make a lot of sense, but it is true.  I take me for granted  and I get frustrated and blame my body as if it is not even me sometimes. You can't understand the disconnect between mind and body unless you live it.  My life is a process of self internal communication, like two people talking and not always agreeing on what to do and how to do it.  Only siamese twins have a harder time of it.  To  you it is unthinkable.  To hurt your body is to hurt your mind.  For me, it is like sibling wars.  Sometimes the body beats the mind and the mind fights back. Keeping peace is the goal.  Learning to recognize the interconnection of one as hurting the other is a process, one I am still working on.  Forcing the two to work together on mutual frustration is one thing that seems to help.  I think to breath.  I am doing it now.

It Takes Courage. Thank You

     Today I have something to say.  " It Takes Courage."  That is the whole of it; courage for those less obviously autistic to speak out and acknowledge their autism. They could just as easily abandon the label, exchange it for one of "eccentricity", but they do not.  In being true to themself, they now face criticism for advocating for their rights, as if speaking out is a sin against me a lower spectrum autist.  Well I want to say Thank You.  I applaud your efforts in standing up, not just for yourself, but for me.

Music Takes Me to the Other Side of Physical

     Asking questions I am very good at. Mom and I take turns sometimes.  I do a lot of thinking in my autism.  For me, I just want to know what it is like on the other side of physical.  It looks so easy in observing what is a huge process for me.  Understanding sometimes helps.  For me, movement is surgery.  I have to systematically prepare for everything not reflex.  It is why I love and hate impulse.  Impulse is a shortcut to action, a nonthought way of doing that gets something; urges that are strong enough to bypass my need to think the movement through.  My music is like that too.  It takes the commands to another level - song; and sometimes the song replaces the command in triggering movement.  I am much more fluid with music as a background.  I love my radio as my most favorite possession after my string.  Relaxing I can do with it.  Do you know what that is to an Autist? - Everything. 

More of the Same Old Arguments

     Mom cut my board in half. She said she did it to help teach me two-handedness. It was horrible; two boards, not one, with no carryover for my eye movement, like playing two songs at once and not being able to follow one for listening to the other it was. It made it easy to use my other hand though, until I needed a letter on the other missing half of board.
     Do you move as a single motion? My movement is tiny steps put together. Hiccup my motion and you destroy it. I am a giant stop sign at times. I lose my place in the action and cannot even start again because I'm left in a different position from where I was at start. This is my motor initiating problem at play. The Board is another problem I have, not seeing parts within a whole. Mom should have known better, but it might work for someone else without my issue there.
     My issues are not another's, I know. Autism is so individual oriented, issues and solutions both. I often wonder at why they are so intent on recognizing us as a group experience. Autism is as diverse as neurotypicalism but no one calls NT a "spectrum".  
     I wonder too if my being on spectrum takes away from others more able. I am who they aim to eradicate with a cure. But how would you know the difference between annihilating me and them. My life is of little use by society's standards, but a lesser version may yield you a scientific genius, math or music savant. The world might truly lose without these small gifteds. It is in the small extremes that radical work as gains are sometimes realized; to think or do the unthinkable, achieving the previously thought impossible. It takes at least the dedication of the obsession routinely practiced in autism to focus on what others find the absurd, to realize the unachievable goal. NTs make fun when self advocates compare themselves to the Einsteins of the world.  I am surprised by this. I guess I am worth more than I think.  I am at least in good company in the process of annihilation. 
     Abortions of good NT's happen every day.  The disabled have no complaints.  We are not yet the automatically acceptable nonpersons NTs are at prebirth.  We carry a higher conscience factor.  As absurd as it sounds I think it is true. It says a lot about NTs.  You might want to think about that.

Snow and Life Both Deceptive

     Snow I love and hate. It is so beautifully deceptive. It covers the ugly barrenness with a blanket of white, looks so perfectly pure in its never touched state. But appearances can be deceiving. To walk in snow requires caution for slippage. It is slippery and unstable as a foothold.

     My life is ugly like the barren trees sometimes, but it is still stable underfoot in soul. A beautiful life is sometimes not all it seems either, whether it is filled with money and things or just everyday busyness it may still be a slippery and unstable existence. Sometimes I want to trade my life for another, but then I see the snow and think about it, and I decide my life is not so bad after all. I have God and family who love me.... and right now, I also have an expectation of coffee. Life always looks better with a cup of coffee in hand.

Christmas - A Valuable Reason to Work at It

     Old events remembered often bring up negative emotions for me, so I am going to write about only good thoughts today.

     Christmas is coming.  It is a good thing in our house, but overloading too.  This year I hear my Mom say "fifty family".  They all come for Christmas Eve dinner.  A special meal and prayer it is to celebrate respectfully the birth of Christ; and too, to remember our loved ones who are no longer this side with us. I love the occasion as a gathering of love and traditions old, but it is not an easy day for me - sights and sounds abound, touching all about, intentional and nonintentional, movement required to join and avoid others actions, waiting incessant, emotions to be absorbed and processed, communications to be translated, smells to be endured.  It is not just a nice gathering for me. It is exhausting work, only made valuable by the reason for the day.

Christ camer into the world so simply.  Let the meaning of that speak for itself.

Acceptance Is Never Too Late

     Today I asked my Mom if I should question her judgment in telling me I am "magnificent."  It has not always been her message.  I guess autism is a process of growth for both parent and child.  Just as I had to grow into my personhood, she had to grow into her parenthood. 

     The child who starts with acceptance is extremely lucky.  More often I think it starts with parents like mine.  I know they love me now, but they were more the enemy back then.  I only wanted to escape the onslaught of the world back then, too much it was.  If I had been surrounded by peace instead of turmoil the world may not have been such a scary place for me. 

     My Mom is a "do it" person.  Patience she needs to work on.  In some ways this was good.  I could do in motor for her what I could not do for myself or others.  It caused her to believe in me when I did not.  It also caused me to hate her. 

     Anger was my motivation for a long time; to not become a puppet.  I understand compliance as important, but it also teaches lessons better left unlearned.  It makes you afraid to initiate beyond what is asked of you.  Fear of failure is a compliance creation in part; to sit and be released on positive responses only is what does it.  Lessons in autism frequently transfer by association. Positive reinforcement as a word but not practice, negative reinforcement that only serves to heighten an anxiety that already screams for relief - this was my invitation to the world.  

Take a child whose senses have already deserted them and expect them to learn in this environment; this is your ABA, the real lessons you are sometimes oblivious to.  It is why I say learn your child. To pay attention to their discomfiture is a gift you give yourself.  It saves them and you from having to walk each alone through the process of growth.  A path shared is a positive journey for both parent and child. 

Mom and I crossed paths more often than we shared them.  We became a team much later, but the damage remains in emotional memory response for me.  To write sometimes revisits it. 

Knowing I am "magnificent"  in her eyes now, not because of anything of I've done, but simply because I am helps a lot.  Acceptance is important. It can never come too late.